2014 Attack Plan

Here I am!

2014 I am here, ready for you!

I have so many expectations that it is scary. it is funny I had them for 2013 also, I thought the 2012 was a shitty year..nothing to compare to 2013.
I spent the all year waiting for a men that was with another woman, not capable of telling me the truth and hiding behind lies. I knew it that I wanted to believe in those lies, because I didn't want to face my fears and I know it was soooo wrong. but I did it anyway. and waited until everything broke down and explode in my face. literally when I found out everything on Facebook.
I learnt from this year that when you keep avoiding a situation, life at some point is going to slam it in front of you, no matter for how long you kept avoiding it. that what happened in 2013 for me.
I had to smash my face to the floor and being in the situation that I tried not to be for so long. so I guess that is good...?? yes good but so painful. sometimes I still feel the pain on my skin, in my stomach, literally in my heart.

the worst? I don't think that he ever realized the damages he did. maybe he did and he is avoiding it as I did for so long? I hope so . I think that the lies he told me, even if they were so painful for me, they  will be even more painful for him, lies, especially big lies got attached to your soul. they destroy you. instead I will be fine...one really day in 2014.

I realized I became all I never thought I would be: dependent from a man. not even a man, a stupid kid. I became the girl who doesn't let go, even when the things are bad. just no to be alone. I became the girl I always criticized, and I am ashamed of it. I don't want to do the same mistake again, I don't want to get lost in a relationship again and just do everything just to make him happy and make him stay...it is not good for me and it doesn't even work by the way.

I want to learn from all the pain of this year, learn for me. I want to learn to be happy and be grateful. That is what I want to bring over from 2013 and in 2014 try to change all the thoughts that don't make me live but just wondering around in the negative world.

Be Grateful

In the past months I have been reading and listening to a lot "you need to be grateful for".  In many religions and in many spiritual believing being grateful for what we have seems to be the key to obtain what you want and to live your life fully.

For me at least it doesn't look that easy at all and not even to my friends. why it is so hard to really see and I mean see and understand what I have?

Being grateful could bring me what I want?

What I have                                                                                      What I want

Good job                                                                                             A person to share life with

nice apartment

I am healthy

I have a goof family

I have friends who cares for me

Really loving cat

I am doing what I wanted

Why is it so hard to see this list clearly? 

2014 need to be the right time to appreciate really what I have and move forward. Really move, really leave all the shit in the past.

Promise it

12.30.13

It is almost over

Welcome!

2013 is almost over and hopefully it will carried away all the disappointments of this year. Has it been that bad?? I would say right away yes! But if I think about that more carefully, maybe it has 2 or 3 high point. doesn't seem enough for 365 days to me. maybe I would like at least 350 high points.

I am here counting the hours for the end of this painful year...but the change of the calendar page will really mean I will leave behind all the negativity-bullshitcirclethoughts? I think I am hoping for a miracle honestly.
Waiting to flush away all the things I wanna get rid of- literally I am planning to write on toilet paper all the bad things and just flush them away with 2013.

I have the feeling I have to put more works into this "flushing" project, that I have actually to address my thoughts and be more aware of what I think.

Counting the hours to the miracle...